HOSPITALS

A look into me during Thursday's hospital visit:

A look at life as it passes through one's mind in a search for answers and hope. There is a need inside each of us for resolution and packaging of details. Let's file it in a box to later investigate, possibly, or maybe just for organization in case we find a need to search the past. It is much simpler to handle when wrapped with a pretty bow.


18:21 Once again I sit at my mother's bedside while I listen to the machines pumping into her veins the substances the doctors think necessary. I watch as the nurses and doctors poke and prod and look for answers while they try to keep her somewhat comfortable. I listen to her moan in her sleep as her own body wrestles with itself. All the time I struggle to sort my feelings. Feelings of fear, of sadness, anger, hope and hopelessness. I don't know which way to turn sometimes. This place is much too familiar. I think the hospital should be an ocassional unfamiliar spot. I find it to be a regular destination in my life. I despise what it represents most often to me. The unknown, the call of death on one I love. And so I call out, "Death, be silent!" And I pray and hope my request is granted. No matter the burden that these situations bring with them, I can not fathom my life without my parents. What I really long for is health and complete life for them.

19:00 I ponder tears shed and remember fondly smiles spread. I revel in the sight of sunshine and wish it on all of "mine". I hope for bursts of laughter upon mountain tops and scoff at death's valley. I reminise of life and energy shared and find myself looking to repeat these memories. I cry at the hell life pours on, but plant my feet upon solid ground. I will walk with confidence and stay strong putting each foot purposefully in front of the other. Knowing there is someone to carry me if I need it I take comfort in the truth- I can not be overcome.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers through me newest hell. I love you all so much.