MOTHER EARTH

This weekend while I was reading with my kids the book we were reading had a picture of an eagle. Upon seeing the picture Mazana began to inform me that the Earth is our mother, eagles are our brothers and the grass, etc. is our sisters! As you can imagine this was not the conversation I had expected or hoped for. It seems that she learned this at Creative Beginnings which she attends three days per week after kindergarten.

I was very disturbed and tried to explain to my children that some people believe this, but that this is not what I believe. I challenged them, especially Mazana, to talk to God about it and ask Him what the truth is. She does not like it when I tell her to ask God because she says that she cannot hear Him. I continue to tell her to talk to Him and I will continue and I pray that one day she will believe as I do. She is so smart and inquisitive that I know she will be a great Bible scholar. I expect her to be very educated because I think she will question and research. She is so much like her daddy this way. They both possess such curiosity.

I plan to talk to Ann (Creative Beginning's owner and director) tonight about this bit of teaching that my daughter received. I hope that it is not to be a regular occurence or I think I will have to pull her out. I can't have them being fed a bunch a New Age baloney.

HOSPITALS

A look into me during Thursday's hospital visit:

A look at life as it passes through one's mind in a search for answers and hope. There is a need inside each of us for resolution and packaging of details. Let's file it in a box to later investigate, possibly, or maybe just for organization in case we find a need to search the past. It is much simpler to handle when wrapped with a pretty bow.


18:21 Once again I sit at my mother's bedside while I listen to the machines pumping into her veins the substances the doctors think necessary. I watch as the nurses and doctors poke and prod and look for answers while they try to keep her somewhat comfortable. I listen to her moan in her sleep as her own body wrestles with itself. All the time I struggle to sort my feelings. Feelings of fear, of sadness, anger, hope and hopelessness. I don't know which way to turn sometimes. This place is much too familiar. I think the hospital should be an ocassional unfamiliar spot. I find it to be a regular destination in my life. I despise what it represents most often to me. The unknown, the call of death on one I love. And so I call out, "Death, be silent!" And I pray and hope my request is granted. No matter the burden that these situations bring with them, I can not fathom my life without my parents. What I really long for is health and complete life for them.

19:00 I ponder tears shed and remember fondly smiles spread. I revel in the sight of sunshine and wish it on all of "mine". I hope for bursts of laughter upon mountain tops and scoff at death's valley. I reminise of life and energy shared and find myself looking to repeat these memories. I cry at the hell life pours on, but plant my feet upon solid ground. I will walk with confidence and stay strong putting each foot purposefully in front of the other. Knowing there is someone to carry me if I need it I take comfort in the truth- I can not be overcome.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers through me newest hell. I love you all so much.

FLEETING THOUGHTS

I have had several great things to write about in the past week, but every time I get ready to go I entirely forget what profound thing it was I had to say and so I say nothing. There are others who we know who this silence itself would be profound for them, but not really for me.

So, let's see...
My newest quest is to enjoy life how it is. This, you all must know, is very difficult for me. I have ideas about the way things should be and believe that if they are not meeting my expectations I have somehow been wronged. The true wrong here is this crazy belief of mine. And I now realize this and am trying to find good in each day and not assign it some absurd expectation. This has all come about in the midst of me, Owen and Tristan having bronchitis, Owen and I also having sinus infections and Owen working seven days a week 16-20 hour days. The point is that you come imagine the difficulty I have come across in implementing my new attitude. I have done amazingly well I must admit! There is light at the end of the tunnel as far as Owen's work schedule; I know that I will not cough forever, although at times I think I may; we will not always be broke (I claim this as truth); I am loved beyond comprehension.

This is the most beautiful thing of all. Love. How it endures every difficulty we encounter and is strengthened because of it. Wow! God is so AMAZING. I am eternally grateful that there is love. Can you imagine life without it. How boring and lonely and hopeless. I depend on it. From my Lord, my husband, my kids, my parents and all of you. Without it I would starve to death.

SICKNESS CONSUMES ME

I hate being sick, but somehow seem to catch everything that ever goes around. I got someone's cold and slowly it found its way to settle in my chest. I am coughing and I feel like I can not breathe. As my dad would say, Other than that I feel great.

Owen is working 16+ hours every day trying to meet his upcoming deadline. I am just trying to live my life in the absence of him...raise the kids, clean the house, pay the bills, go to work, go to my other job, workout to relieve stress, and on and on. How do we do it? I mean there is so much that we all try to cram into one little life and somehow we continue.

And so I ask, is this what life is all about? The means to continue. This is why we live and breathe and do all that we do. To continue. Continuing has so many ways to be. To crawl across the pavement with bare knees, to walk along the dirt path which leads us through fields of wild flowers, to sleep then wake, to eat and run and live. We can all continue somehow, some way. Let's put on the knee pads and crawl until we find strength to walk, then skip, then dance through the fields with freedom, peace and joy!

I miss you all very much.